I have nowhere to write but I need to pen this down. I really want to express how much gratitude I have for your love and support and that you have not let me go. And that you still think there are a way and room to bloom when I am feeling the opposite.
I am very thankful for the support and encouragement and yet I have to brave up to disappoint you. Once again, I am very thankful for the guidance, the love and the belief. I need to do what I need to do and that it is only necessary that this break up has to happen. I really really hate to disappoint people. Period.
In time to come I will be able to speak again, but for now, I wish to lay low at the back scene and try to figure out what I can do to potentially speak to you again.
Once again, I truly appreciate your kind support and belief in me.
Till we meet again.
Monday 25 June 2018
Thursday 21 June 2018
Monday 11 June 2018
Goodbye dear Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain
Last week was tough. I woke up and flipped through IG, I saw a devastating post that Kate Spade has left the world through ending her own life. I felt this immense pain and sadness as I truly liked her as an designer. Although along the history of fashion, colour pop and quirky designs trended in the fashion scene like Mary Quant, I believe Kate Spade is the strongest quirky yet practical brand that surfaced in my 'era' Kate Spade was often my to go to for fashion inspiration and I always love how she stuck true to her design elements which for this case was modern vintage with a nice colour pop. I really appreciate her designing style and that she can make simple silhouettes make it look so beautiful by adding little but striking details in each and every of her piece.
Days later, I found out through a friend that famous chef Anthony Bourdain has passed on by ending his life. He was 61 and I would guess he probably lived a pretty 'ok' life as he was a super famous and sought after chef.
When I read both articles on their sudden death, I freaked out a little. I couldn't understand how a happy rich people with a beautiful family can just end their life like that? There and then, I was transformed to readers like you, thinking about my life being perfect (read the previous post I wrote) Indeed, I assumed they were both happy and 'life was perfect for them' It was then I am reminded that depression is REAL, and it can creep to anyone's life in any possible way. In short, rich also can get depression, middle-income also can be attacked by depression and so are the poor.
Fighting depression alone is not easy and the worst part of all? You cannot tell anyone for you think that they will judge you and push you aside thinking you are crazy (the irony of it!) The problem with depression is that most of us think that it only happens on business people, important people and famous people but in real fact, it can happen to anyone. In the world today, the constant stress and expectations piled on us can be a tad too much for many to bear. Depression can come from anywhere and happen to anyone; from young mother with a little baby to a junior executive who just can't seem to keep up with work and it definitely can stretch to high positions which may include your boss. Depression is a freaky as it does not whack you with visible symptoms, it just weaves in slowly, inch by inch, one day at a time.
Last week was indeed dull and depressing to read about deaths due to depression but I took this opportunity to learn valuable teachings which allows me to understand myself more. I figured that material items like luxury items and fancy houses and cars may indeed feed you for a short while but unless you are truly happy, you will never be able to enjoy these items. I used to be looked down at when I was 18 because ex-boss brought me to good places which required me to smile and chat up with celebrities and famous people. I also shortly joined a luxurious trade of high-end jewellery which you meet really, really REALLY rich people and can never understand 'why are you always the same blouse every time I see you?' I felt much less than them and got angry. I got to a point where I wanted to prove a point so much till I lost control of my spendings. I am extremely thankful that Mr Ling came into my life and taught me the real reason to live and be able to live. I resisted and fought but eventually found inner peace through his strict teachings and him not spoiling me.
I know I definitely have tendency to slip into depression but I know I am not the only one. But I make effort to find solution by finding someone I trust to constantly talk to and never be judged by my words. Whenever Mr Ling chooses to shut his ears and think I am cray cray, I will immediately call to my besties for support and just by meeting up and rant, I feel much better.
The purpose of this post is to remind you that it is certainly okay to admit that you have depressed tendencies and constantly seeking for happiness but you can never understand how to find it. IT IS NORMAL okay? Just make sure you be open minded and speak to someone and listen to soothing meditation music and take baby steps to self heal. Depression is a long journey but never THE journey as we can overcome it! Remember that whatever that is bothering you, may it be physical health or mental, be open to talk about it.
I know I can do it and I will continue to work on it! And I manifest that you will overcome it too and that you are reminded that life is more than and that you are too precious to not fully utilize your fullest potential!
Love
K
Days later, I found out through a friend that famous chef Anthony Bourdain has passed on by ending his life. He was 61 and I would guess he probably lived a pretty 'ok' life as he was a super famous and sought after chef.
When I read both articles on their sudden death, I freaked out a little. I couldn't understand how a happy rich people with a beautiful family can just end their life like that? There and then, I was transformed to readers like you, thinking about my life being perfect (read the previous post I wrote) Indeed, I assumed they were both happy and 'life was perfect for them' It was then I am reminded that depression is REAL, and it can creep to anyone's life in any possible way. In short, rich also can get depression, middle-income also can be attacked by depression and so are the poor.
Fighting depression alone is not easy and the worst part of all? You cannot tell anyone for you think that they will judge you and push you aside thinking you are crazy (the irony of it!) The problem with depression is that most of us think that it only happens on business people, important people and famous people but in real fact, it can happen to anyone. In the world today, the constant stress and expectations piled on us can be a tad too much for many to bear. Depression can come from anywhere and happen to anyone; from young mother with a little baby to a junior executive who just can't seem to keep up with work and it definitely can stretch to high positions which may include your boss. Depression is a freaky as it does not whack you with visible symptoms, it just weaves in slowly, inch by inch, one day at a time.
Last week was indeed dull and depressing to read about deaths due to depression but I took this opportunity to learn valuable teachings which allows me to understand myself more. I figured that material items like luxury items and fancy houses and cars may indeed feed you for a short while but unless you are truly happy, you will never be able to enjoy these items. I used to be looked down at when I was 18 because ex-boss brought me to good places which required me to smile and chat up with celebrities and famous people. I also shortly joined a luxurious trade of high-end jewellery which you meet really, really REALLY rich people and can never understand 'why are you always the same blouse every time I see you?' I felt much less than them and got angry. I got to a point where I wanted to prove a point so much till I lost control of my spendings. I am extremely thankful that Mr Ling came into my life and taught me the real reason to live and be able to live. I resisted and fought but eventually found inner peace through his strict teachings and him not spoiling me.
I know I definitely have tendency to slip into depression but I know I am not the only one. But I make effort to find solution by finding someone I trust to constantly talk to and never be judged by my words. Whenever Mr Ling chooses to shut his ears and think I am cray cray, I will immediately call to my besties for support and just by meeting up and rant, I feel much better.
The purpose of this post is to remind you that it is certainly okay to admit that you have depressed tendencies and constantly seeking for happiness but you can never understand how to find it. IT IS NORMAL okay? Just make sure you be open minded and speak to someone and listen to soothing meditation music and take baby steps to self heal. Depression is a long journey but never THE journey as we can overcome it! Remember that whatever that is bothering you, may it be physical health or mental, be open to talk about it.
I know I can do it and I will continue to work on it! And I manifest that you will overcome it too and that you are reminded that life is more than and that you are too precious to not fully utilize your fullest potential!
Love
K
Tuesday 5 June 2018
Negative Vibe
It is indeed a while since I have done a post and last checked was more than 2 years ago. I have been trying to get back to blogging for a while now as nudged by my fellow colleague as they felt that many ladies missed this connection I used to have with them. I honestly have many drafts in my blogspot but I could not post them up as they were negative and I fiercely fought back because I wanted to keep the 'happy blessed Kayde' image that most of you have. But tonight was different and I spoke briefly to Mr Ling if expressing this heartfelt blogpost is acceptable. This man is super sweet . He agreed that it is good to vent and let out some steam once in a while but of course, his final words before he started snoring was 'do not include anything that is hurtful to anyone and spare a thought for people who read this post'
I wanted to sleep over this feeling but I kept tossing and turning on the bed since 9pm and forced myself to sleep but I really couldn't. It has been a while since I felt this uncontrollable negative energy filling up my mind. Like you, I thought after the long holiday with beautiful scenery and skies and sea would make me feel energised and hopeful but it only lasted less than a week before I got overwhelmed with the current situation I am back before I left for the trip. What exactly am I talking about, you may ask and to make things simple for you, I am going to make it short and sweet.
I know this may sound nothing to you but to those who have gone through this business journey with me might grasp for air due to shock and disbelief. I know right? How can this be possible? Isn't everything great and Kayde's life is so perfect! How can she be sick of the business?
The truth is that during this short period of 2 to 3 years, I have unknowingly got entwined with a lot of major (in my opinion) business-related decisions, business strategy decisions which are much larger scale than 10 years ago. I got ambitious and I got excited, thinking that I can do and dress up more people along the way and that my business will be made known for dressing curvy ladies locally and internationally. I kept thinking that my main goal in life is to be able to dress as many curvy ladies worldwide (hence the logo *wink wink.. *) As I scaled up, I hired more people to assist me and the next you knew, you have a freaking awesome team behind you. In terms of designs, we have expanded and explored so many new techniques that we have never even dare to dream and we got a big spacious prime location to reach out to more people and tourists. There were more beautiful and pretty things happened in these short years and I guess I got to say, we were really happy and full of positive energy, believing that we can achieve what we have set.
Unfortunately, no one knew there was an ugly side of the business. Commitments grew bigger and stressed downloaded on me, forcing me to make decisions every other day and sometimes I questioned myself if I am a good employer. I got judged in character and it really stings at times because I know if it was years back, I am sure I can handle it way better. It certainly did not help when I totally lost control of my business forecasts which I was really good in with the uncertain market. I fought fiercely for a good 8 months before finally getting things on track and just when I thought I can smile and whistle a nice tune, I began to feel more burden and more stress from everywhere. I slowly begin to be angry with myself that I am not good enough with my designs (i am extremely critical of myself in terms of designs) and every positive feedback would sound like criticism and the words filled my brains and my night. I used to be really confident on how to handle business matters but as the business grew, I lost my balance and constantly finding myself losing focus as I had too much to deal with and work on. It was after weeks of self reflection and being honest with myself, I concluded that I no longer have to the faith to carry the Kaylene torch and bring it to greater heights. There were days where I just want to drop it and 'why bother to help others when you can even help yourself' It sounds harsh and sad but at this point of time, I felt that this torch is way too heavy for me and the flames on this burning torch are blinding my sight.
In the office, I spoke briefly to two of my trusted colleagues. They were quick to identify that I am indeed burned out but they were also curious why I openly talked about being burned out AFTER a trip while many do the opposite. I guess the only reason to this is that I have truly come to terms with accepting myself and my limitations during this long trip. It is painful for a proud person like myself to acknowledge my shortcoming but I guess I have to embrace this ugly fact so that I can move next to healing myself and change to be a better person.
The funny thing is that I am often told that I am one of the luckiest people in the world. I truly agree and thank God for the blessings I received but to be considered the happiest person is something I tend to shrug and frown. The truth is I don't feel happy of late due to stress and I find it extremely hard to get my smile back (yes, not even having my sis to tempt into getting me a beautiful piece of jewelry could make me smile and I AM quite a sucker for jewelry)
I really am unsure what the future holds for Kaylene as this brand is literally my blood. Losing this brand will take everything from me and I will fight till the end in order to protect this child of mine. But I am aware of my tired body and I know fighting against the current is useless unless I figure a way to steer this business in another way. I did arrange some major shifts to the business and I believe we will see the results in a few months time. Until then, I really hope I can keep my head high and continue to nurture this baby I have since 2007 and I must say, after typing this, I felt much better (well, at least better than writing business emails!)
I apologise to you reading this now and probably kena some negative vibe from me. This post was much needed and served me as a reminder that I finally lost the battle of being 'strong' and in hope that in days to come when I am reading this again, I will be reminded on how lost I was and how I managed to overcome it. I hope to bounce back in the quickest time. For now, it is a good vent and I believe after shutting down this lappie, I can go get some good rest.
Thank you for reading, it means alot to me.
Xoxo
K
I wanted to sleep over this feeling but I kept tossing and turning on the bed since 9pm and forced myself to sleep but I really couldn't. It has been a while since I felt this uncontrollable negative energy filling up my mind. Like you, I thought after the long holiday with beautiful scenery and skies and sea would make me feel energised and hopeful but it only lasted less than a week before I got overwhelmed with the current situation I am back before I left for the trip. What exactly am I talking about, you may ask and to make things simple for you, I am going to make it short and sweet.
I no longer am in love with Kaylene, a 10 year old business which I built from nothing to something. I am starting to lose the connection for this business and it is even sadder because I am unsure why I feel this neagtive way.
I know this may sound nothing to you but to those who have gone through this business journey with me might grasp for air due to shock and disbelief. I know right? How can this be possible? Isn't everything great and Kayde's life is so perfect! How can she be sick of the business?
The truth is that during this short period of 2 to 3 years, I have unknowingly got entwined with a lot of major (in my opinion) business-related decisions, business strategy decisions which are much larger scale than 10 years ago. I got ambitious and I got excited, thinking that I can do and dress up more people along the way and that my business will be made known for dressing curvy ladies locally and internationally. I kept thinking that my main goal in life is to be able to dress as many curvy ladies worldwide (hence the logo *wink wink.. *) As I scaled up, I hired more people to assist me and the next you knew, you have a freaking awesome team behind you. In terms of designs, we have expanded and explored so many new techniques that we have never even dare to dream and we got a big spacious prime location to reach out to more people and tourists. There were more beautiful and pretty things happened in these short years and I guess I got to say, we were really happy and full of positive energy, believing that we can achieve what we have set.
Unfortunately, no one knew there was an ugly side of the business. Commitments grew bigger and stressed downloaded on me, forcing me to make decisions every other day and sometimes I questioned myself if I am a good employer. I got judged in character and it really stings at times because I know if it was years back, I am sure I can handle it way better. It certainly did not help when I totally lost control of my business forecasts which I was really good in with the uncertain market. I fought fiercely for a good 8 months before finally getting things on track and just when I thought I can smile and whistle a nice tune, I began to feel more burden and more stress from everywhere. I slowly begin to be angry with myself that I am not good enough with my designs (i am extremely critical of myself in terms of designs) and every positive feedback would sound like criticism and the words filled my brains and my night. I used to be really confident on how to handle business matters but as the business grew, I lost my balance and constantly finding myself losing focus as I had too much to deal with and work on. It was after weeks of self reflection and being honest with myself, I concluded that I no longer have to the faith to carry the Kaylene torch and bring it to greater heights. There were days where I just want to drop it and 'why bother to help others when you can even help yourself' It sounds harsh and sad but at this point of time, I felt that this torch is way too heavy for me and the flames on this burning torch are blinding my sight.
In the office, I spoke briefly to two of my trusted colleagues. They were quick to identify that I am indeed burned out but they were also curious why I openly talked about being burned out AFTER a trip while many do the opposite. I guess the only reason to this is that I have truly come to terms with accepting myself and my limitations during this long trip. It is painful for a proud person like myself to acknowledge my shortcoming but I guess I have to embrace this ugly fact so that I can move next to healing myself and change to be a better person.
The funny thing is that I am often told that I am one of the luckiest people in the world. I truly agree and thank God for the blessings I received but to be considered the happiest person is something I tend to shrug and frown. The truth is I don't feel happy of late due to stress and I find it extremely hard to get my smile back (yes, not even having my sis to tempt into getting me a beautiful piece of jewelry could make me smile and I AM quite a sucker for jewelry)
I really am unsure what the future holds for Kaylene as this brand is literally my blood. Losing this brand will take everything from me and I will fight till the end in order to protect this child of mine. But I am aware of my tired body and I know fighting against the current is useless unless I figure a way to steer this business in another way. I did arrange some major shifts to the business and I believe we will see the results in a few months time. Until then, I really hope I can keep my head high and continue to nurture this baby I have since 2007 and I must say, after typing this, I felt much better (well, at least better than writing business emails!)
I apologise to you reading this now and probably kena some negative vibe from me. This post was much needed and served me as a reminder that I finally lost the battle of being 'strong' and in hope that in days to come when I am reading this again, I will be reminded on how lost I was and how I managed to overcome it. I hope to bounce back in the quickest time. For now, it is a good vent and I believe after shutting down this lappie, I can go get some good rest.
Thank you for reading, it means alot to me.
Xoxo
K
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