I wanted to sleep over this feeling but I kept tossing and turning on the bed since 9pm and forced myself to sleep but I really couldn't. It has been a while since I felt this uncontrollable negative energy filling up my mind. Like you, I thought after the long holiday with beautiful scenery and skies and sea would make me feel energised and hopeful but it only lasted less than a week before I got overwhelmed with the current situation I am back before I left for the trip. What exactly am I talking about, you may ask and to make things simple for you, I am going to make it short and sweet.
I no longer am in love with Kaylene, a 10 year old business which I built from nothing to something. I am starting to lose the connection for this business and it is even sadder because I am unsure why I feel this neagtive way.
I know this may sound nothing to you but to those who have gone through this business journey with me might grasp for air due to shock and disbelief. I know right? How can this be possible? Isn't everything great and Kayde's life is so perfect! How can she be sick of the business?
The truth is that during this short period of 2 to 3 years, I have unknowingly got entwined with a lot of major (in my opinion) business-related decisions, business strategy decisions which are much larger scale than 10 years ago. I got ambitious and I got excited, thinking that I can do and dress up more people along the way and that my business will be made known for dressing curvy ladies locally and internationally. I kept thinking that my main goal in life is to be able to dress as many curvy ladies worldwide (hence the logo *wink wink.. *) As I scaled up, I hired more people to assist me and the next you knew, you have a freaking awesome team behind you. In terms of designs, we have expanded and explored so many new techniques that we have never even dare to dream and we got a big spacious prime location to reach out to more people and tourists. There were more beautiful and pretty things happened in these short years and I guess I got to say, we were really happy and full of positive energy, believing that we can achieve what we have set.
Unfortunately, no one knew there was an ugly side of the business. Commitments grew bigger and stressed downloaded on me, forcing me to make decisions every other day and sometimes I questioned myself if I am a good employer. I got judged in character and it really stings at times because I know if it was years back, I am sure I can handle it way better. It certainly did not help when I totally lost control of my business forecasts which I was really good in with the uncertain market. I fought fiercely for a good 8 months before finally getting things on track and just when I thought I can smile and whistle a nice tune, I began to feel more burden and more stress from everywhere. I slowly begin to be angry with myself that I am not good enough with my designs (i am extremely critical of myself in terms of designs) and every positive feedback would sound like criticism and the words filled my brains and my night. I used to be really confident on how to handle business matters but as the business grew, I lost my balance and constantly finding myself losing focus as I had too much to deal with and work on. It was after weeks of self reflection and being honest with myself, I concluded that I no longer have to the faith to carry the Kaylene torch and bring it to greater heights. There were days where I just want to drop it and 'why bother to help others when you can even help yourself' It sounds harsh and sad but at this point of time, I felt that this torch is way too heavy for me and the flames on this burning torch are blinding my sight.
In the office, I spoke briefly to two of my trusted colleagues. They were quick to identify that I am indeed burned out but they were also curious why I openly talked about being burned out AFTER a trip while many do the opposite. I guess the only reason to this is that I have truly come to terms with accepting myself and my limitations during this long trip. It is painful for a proud person like myself to acknowledge my shortcoming but I guess I have to embrace this ugly fact so that I can move next to healing myself and change to be a better person.
The funny thing is that I am often told that I am one of the luckiest people in the world. I truly agree and thank God for the blessings I received but to be considered the happiest person is something I tend to shrug and frown. The truth is I don't feel happy of late due to stress and I find it extremely hard to get my smile back (yes, not even having my sis to tempt into getting me a beautiful piece of jewelry could make me smile and I AM quite a sucker for jewelry)
I really am unsure what the future holds for Kaylene as this brand is literally my blood. Losing this brand will take everything from me and I will fight till the end in order to protect this child of mine. But I am aware of my tired body and I know fighting against the current is useless unless I figure a way to steer this business in another way. I did arrange some major shifts to the business and I believe we will see the results in a few months time. Until then, I really hope I can keep my head high and continue to nurture this baby I have since 2007 and I must say, after typing this, I felt much better (well, at least better than writing business emails!)
I apologise to you reading this now and probably kena some negative vibe from me. This post was much needed and served me as a reminder that I finally lost the battle of being 'strong' and in hope that in days to come when I am reading this again, I will be reminded on how lost I was and how I managed to overcome it. I hope to bounce back in the quickest time. For now, it is a good vent and I believe after shutting down this lappie, I can go get some good rest.
Thank you for reading, it means alot to me.
Xoxo
K
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